Joke of the Day

JakeJ · « **Reply #1120 on:** 26 Sep 2014, 08:11 am »

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I don't care who y'are that's funny right there!

charmerci · « **Reply #1121 on:** 2 Oct 2014, 07:51 am »

Q: Why did the chicken cross the Mobius strip?
A: To get to the same side.

martyo · « **Reply #1122 on:** 2 Oct 2014, 08:46 am »

brooklyn · « **Reply #1123 on:** 2 Oct 2014, 04:44 pm »

charmerci · « **Reply #1124 on:** 6 Oct 2014, 08:33 am »

This engineer's wife left a note for him to prepare dinner that evening:“Shepherds Pie needs to be taken out of the freezer and placed in the oven at 140 degrees.”

Makes perfect sense to me. Or am I missing something?

Guy 13 · « **Reply #1125 on:** 6 Oct 2014, 09:00 am »

The wife must also be an engineer...

WireNut · « **Reply #1126 on:** 6 Oct 2014, 09:22 am »

That's funny right there

brooklyn · « **Reply #1127 on:** 6 Oct 2014, 03:33 pm »

FullRangeMan · « **Reply #1128 on:** 6 Oct 2014, 04:57 pm »

jhm731 · « **Reply #1129 on:** 14 Oct 2014, 10:06 pm »

A tourist was driving through the Outback when he noticed a man on the side of the road having sex with a kangaroo.

A few kilometers further on, he came upon a small town, parked his car and went into the pub for a drink.

Sitting at the bar, he looked around and noticed a one legged guy in the corner masturbating without a care in the world.

The tourist turned to the barman and said: "What sort of country is this?! A few kilometers down the road there was a guy having sex with a kangaroo, and that guy in the corner is masturbating in full view of everyone!"

The barman said, "You heartless bastard. He's only got one leg.

How do you expect him to catch a kangaroo?"

mikeeastman · « **Reply #1130 on:** 15 Oct 2014, 04:00 pm »

An elderly man, in his mid 80s, and a very young woman, in her early 20s, fall in love and are thinking of getting married. The old man says to his beautiful girlfriend, "As you know, I am very attracted to you, but even though I have the sexual appitite, I don't have the equipment to even come close to fulfilling your desires."
His woman is not dismayed by this at all and responds, "Now-a-days, they have opparations that can give that back to you."
So they go to see the urologist and he tells them of all the things they have; the pills, the pumps, the rods, and he tells them of a new procedure. "We take the trunk of a baby elephant..."
The old man cuts him off, "I couldn't even think...."
And the young woman cuts him off and agrees to the procedure.
So they get it done and they enjoy their fulfilling sex lives and they set a date to be married. Then comes the night of the premarital supper, and they're sitting at her house with her entire family around the table and the young woman can't help herself and takes her hands and unzips his fly where his "trunk" comes out and she continues to fondle it.
Suddenly, a plate full of baked potatoes are making their way around and just as it gets infront of the old man, his trunk-dick reaches up, grabs a baked potato and goes back down.
Needless to say, many of the family stopped eating.
The mother-in-law turns to him and asks, "Excuse me, but do you think you can do that again?"
Where he replies, "I could, but I don't think theres room in my ass for another potato"

thunderbrick · « **Reply #1131 on:** 15 Oct 2014, 04:06 pm »

JerryM · « **Reply #1132 on:** 19 Oct 2014, 03:12 pm »

jhm731 · « **Reply #1133 on:** 23 Oct 2014, 05:05 pm »

For you old folks:

https://www.youtube.com/embed/LR2qZ0A8vic?rel=0

Bob in St. Louis · « **Reply #1134 on:** 24 Oct 2014, 06:01 pm »

A woman walks into an accountant's office and tells him that she needs
to file her taxes.

The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions."

He gets her name, address etc. And then asks, "What's your occupation?"

"I'm a prostitute," she says.

The accountant is somewhat taken aback and says, "Let's try to re phrase that."

The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-end call girl".

"No, that still won't work. Try again."

They both think for a minute; then the woman says,

"I'm an elite poultry farmer."

The accountant asks, "What does poultry farming have to do with being
a prostitute?"

"Well, I raised a thousand cocks last year."

"Poultry Farmer it is.

bside123 · « **Reply #1135 on:** 1 Nov 2014, 01:36 pm »

What did one saggy boob say to the other?

"If we don't get some support sometime soon, people will think we're nuts!"

Bob in St. Louis · « **Reply #1136 on:** 2 Nov 2014, 12:55 am »

Woman: Do you drink beer?

Man: Yes

Woman: How many beers a day?

Man: Usually about 3

Woman: How much do you pay per beer?

Man: $5.00 which includes a tip

(This is where it gets scary !)

Woman: And how long have you been drinking?

Man: About 20 years, I suppose

Woman: So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately $5400 …correct?

Man: Correct

Woman: If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past
20 years puts your spending at $108,000, correct?

Man: Correct

Woman: Do you know that if you didn’t drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting
for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?

Man: Do you drink beer?

Woman: No

Man: Where’s your Ferrari?

Bob in St. Louis · « **Reply #1137 on:** 2 Nov 2014, 01:01 am »

A father put his 3 year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying: 'God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and goodbye Grandpa.' The father asked, 'Why did you say goodbye Grandpa?'

The little girl said, 'I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do.'

The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence. A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this: 'God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and goodbye Grandma.'

The next day the grandmother died. 'Holy **** ' thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other side. Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say: 'God bless Mommy and goodbye Daddy.'

He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally, midnight arrived; he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.

When he got home his wife said 'I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?'

He said 'I don't want to talk about it; I've just spent the worst day of my life.'

She said, 'You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning my golf pro dropped dead in the middle of my lesson!

charmerci · « **Reply #1138 on:** 9 Nov 2014, 05:33 pm »

Rene Descartes was at a bar. After a few drinks, the bartender asks "Another drink Mr. Descartes?" Rene replies, "I think not" and then he disappeared.

Eh, beer today, gone tomorrow!

dflee · « **Reply #1139 on:** 9 Nov 2014, 05:50 pm »

Two Irish guy were trying to write a song. They couldn't get past the second bar.