Joke of the Day

skunark · « **Reply #1020 on:** 27 Jun 2014, 05:42 am »

What's long, hard and smells like pork?

Funnehaha · « **Reply #1021 on:** 27 Jun 2014, 12:57 pm »

....actually, the brunette-redhead-blonde-execution joke is funny with both uncorrected and corrected punch lines. It's also pretty funny the executioner is called an"executor", y'know... a person who handles an estate after someone has died....or been executed.

Guy 13 · « **Reply #1022 on:** 27 Jun 2014, 01:03 pm »

Quote from: skunark on 27 Jun 2014, 05:42 am

What's long, hard and smells like pork?

Pork sausage !
No, pork sausage is soft like...

coke · « **Reply #1023 on:** 27 Jun 2014, 01:54 pm »

I figured the brunette had a grudge against the blonde and was standing in the crowd while the blonde was up for execution.

Bob in St. Louis · « **Reply #1024 on:** 27 Jun 2014, 03:48 pm »

Quote from: coke on 27 Jun 2014, 01:54 pm

I figured the brunette had a grudge against the blonde and was standing in the crowd while the blonde was up for execution.

That's what I was thinking, which actually makes the joke funnier in my opinion.

Kenneth Patchen · « **Reply #1025 on:** 27 Jun 2014, 10:14 pm »

A young New York woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean, but just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young man stopped her.

"You have so much to live for!I'm a sailor, and we are off to Italy tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy."

With nothing to lose,combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Italy, the woman accepted.

That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the hold. From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches, a bottle of red wine, and make love to her until dawn.

Three weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.

"What are you doing here?" asked the captain.

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she said. "He brings me food and I get a free trip to Italy."

I see," the captain says.

Her conscience got the best of her and she added, "Plus, he's screwing me too."

"He certainly is," replied the captain."This is the Staten Island Ferry."

smargo · « **Reply #1026 on:** 28 Jun 2014, 03:51 pm »

I married Miss Right. I just didnt know her first name was Always.

mikeeastman · « **Reply #1027 on:** 8 Jul 2014, 11:33 pm »

The Potato Joke

A man named Fred was well into middle age, and had never had a
"relationship" with a woman. He was unattractive, poor, and had little
you could call personality. His strong moral upbringing prevented him
from paying for sex. He had all but resolved to spend the rest of his
life a frustrated virgin, when he read an article in a travel magazine
about the wild women of the French Riviera. A plan formed in Fred's mind;
for three years he saved every spare penny until he could afford a short,
one-week vacation on the Riviera.

He arrived at his hotel and nervously changed into his beachwear: baggy
bermuda shorts, a white sleeveless T-shirt, brown shoes, brown sox. He
walked on the beach, his head swiveling from one eye-popping, bikini-clad
beauty to another. But none gave him the slightest glance. After
patrolling the beach until dusk, he noticed a Frenchman, also middle-aged,
surrounded by adoring young women. Cornering the Frenchman, Fred blurted
out his sad tale.

"I came here hoping to meet women," Fred explained to the sympathetic
Frenchman, "And I only have 5 days to go. What can I do to be more like
you?" The Frenchman looked him up and down, and said, "Monsieur, it eez
your costume. You must buy the tiny men's bikini like mine, some sandals,
some chic sunglasses, and voila! you will soon meet many women."

So Fred returned to his hotel room, ran down to the shops on the street
level, and bought everything that the Frenchman had recommended. The next
morning he struggled into his very tight and very tiny new bathing suit,
donned his sandals and sunglasses, sucked in his gut and went down to the
beach. This time, as he strolled by the many beauties sunning themselves,
a few heads turned, and a few titters of laughter seemed directed his way.
Upset, he soon found the Frenchman again and, displaying his new outfit,
complained that women were still largely ignoring him. "What am I doing
wrong?" Fred asked.

"Well Monsieur," responded the Frenchman, "It eez a delicate subject.
You seem to be somewhat lacking in a certain department valued highly by
our young ladies. What I suggest you do is to go to the supermarket, buy
a potato, and stick it in your bathing suit." Although Fred thought this
was an odd suggestion, he was getting desperate, and decided he would try
anything, given his short time remaining.

The next morning, he put on his new costume, Then shoved a long, curved,
uncooked potato into his trunks. He went out on the beach, this time
getting a strong reaction. Women everywhere on the beach were elbowing
each other, pointing at Fred, and whispering together. Frantic, Fred ran
up to the Frenchman.

"NOW what am I doing wrong!?" he screamed. The Frenchman glanced at him
and replied in a frosty voice, "Monsieur, zee potato goes in zee front."

FireGuy · « **Reply #1028 on:** 19 Jul 2014, 12:28 pm »

Guy 13 · « **Reply #1029 on:** 19 Jul 2014, 03:22 pm »

Hi FireGuy.
Thanks for that info.
I've just learned something.
Now I know why every time I dip my lips in a glass of wine
I've always found that wine has a bitter taste.
I don't drink wine,
I only pretend that I am drinking to be social with other wine drinkers...

Guy 13

Bob in St. Louis · « **Reply #1030 on:** 20 Jul 2014, 01:34 am »

WINDOWS: Please enter your new password

USER: “cabbage”

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must be more than 8 characters.

USER: “boiled cabbage”

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain 1 numerical character.

USER: “1 boiled cabbage”

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot have blank spaces.

USER: “50bloodyboiledcabbages”

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain at least one upper case character.

USER: “50BLOODYboiledcabbages”

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot use more than one upper case character consecutively.

USER: “50BloodyBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAssIfYouDon'tGiveMeAccessNow!”

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot contain punctuation.

USER: “YouBastards50BloodyBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAssIfYouDontGiveMeAccessNow”

WINDOWS: Sorry, that password is already in use.

Guy 13 · « **Reply #1031 on:** 20 Jul 2014, 01:50 am »

Quote from: Bob in St. Louis on 20 Jul 2014, 01:34 am

WINDOWS: Please enter your new password

USER: “cabbage”

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must be more than 8 characters.

USER: “boiled cabbage”

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain 1 numerical character.

USER: “1 boiled cabbage”

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot have blank spaces.

USER: “50bloodyboiledcabbages”

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain at least one upper case character.

USER: “50BLOODYboiledcabbages”

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot use more than one upper case character consecutively.

USER: “50BloodyBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAssIfYouDon'tGiveMeAccessNow!”

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot contain punctuation.

USER: “YouBastards50BloodyBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAssIfYouDontGiveMeAccessNow”

WINDOWS: Sorry, that password is already in use.

JakeJ · « **Reply #1032 on:** 20 Jul 2014, 08:08 am »

+1

JLM · « **Reply #1033 on:** 20 Jul 2014, 10:33 am »

Quote from: Bob in St. Louis on 20 Jul 2014, 01:34 am

WINDOWS: Please enter your new password

USER: “cabbage”

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must be more than 8 characters.

USER: “boiled cabbage”

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain 1 numerical character.

USER: “1 boiled cabbage”

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot have blank spaces.

USER: “50bloodyboiledcabbages”

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain at least one upper case character.

USER: “50BLOODYboiledcabbages”

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot use more than one upper case character consecutively.

USER: “50BloodyBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAssIfYouDon'tGiveMeAccessNow!”

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot contain punctuation.

USER: “YouBastards50BloodyBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAssIfYouDontGiveMeAccessNow”

WINDOWS: Sorry, that password is already in use.

So like work.

Different format requirements, so you can't use the same one on multiple applications. And then they force you to change them at varying frequencies. Can anyone remember them all? And keeping them written down or on a smart phone application isn't the smartest idea either.

Guy 13 · « **Reply #1034 on:** 20 Jul 2014, 10:52 am »

Hi all.
Can you believe that I have more than ten, yes 10 different passwords.
One for each of the following:
Audio Circle, Bottlehead Forum, VNN server, Amazon, WiFi 1, WiFi 2 and three for different Yahoo mail and some other that I don't remember.
The passwords range from 6 to 13 digits.
I was tired to always forget them,
so I wrote them down on a piece of paper (Despite what everyone says)
and hide the paper in a safe place that even my wife,
don't know where it is.
When I will die, because I will die one day,
she will be in trouble trying to figure out all my passwords.

Guy 13

Speedskater · « **Reply #1035 on:** 20 Jul 2014, 12:59 pm »

Back before the computers at work were connected to the internet, some of us had our passwords hidden in photos on our desk. Like a photo of their sailboat with it's name painted on the transom. Things were simpler then.

Guy 13 · « **Reply #1036 on:** 20 Jul 2014, 01:56 pm »

Quote from: Speedskater on 20 Jul 2014, 12:59 pm

Back before the computers at work were connected to the internet, some of us had our passwords hidden in photos on our desk. Like a photo of their sailboat with it's name painted on the transom. Things were simpler then.

Hi Speedskater.
I agree 1000% with you when you say:
" Things were simpler then".
Things are getting more and more complicated with everything...

Guy 13

JakeJ · « **Reply #1037 on:** 20 Jul 2014, 05:59 pm »

And with the Internet of Things coming you will have to have a password on your appliances. Forgot the password to your fridge? Sorry no beer for you!

Bob in St. Louis · « **Reply #1038 on:** 21 Jul 2014, 05:35 pm »

Cowboy: "Give me 3 packets of condoms, please."
Cashier: "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?"
Cowboy: "Nah... She's purty good lookin'....."

***********

This asshole looked at my beer belly last night and sarcastically said, "Is that Corona or Bud?"
I said, "There's a tap underneath; taste it and find out."

***********

I was talking to a girl in the bar last night. She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right."
I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you."

***********

I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs.
"Really" she said, "Go on then...try."
After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born?"
I said, "Yesterday."

***********

I got caught taking a pee in the swimming pool today.
The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.

***********

JerryM · « **Reply #1039 on:** 25 Jul 2014, 04:54 am »

There are two types of people in the world: Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data sets