Joke of the Day

thunderbrick · « **Reply #1160 on:** 12 Dec 2014, 02:49 am »

I met an older woman at a bar last night. She looked pretty good for a 60-year-old. In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking she probably had a really hot daughter.

We drank a couple of beers, and she asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double? 'What's that? I asked. 'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she said. As my mind began to embrace the idea, and I wondered what her daughter might look like, I said, 'No, I haven't.'

We drank a bit more, then she said with a wink, 'tonight's your lucky night'. We went back to her place. We walked in. She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs: 'Mom...you still awake?'

JoshK · « **Reply #1161 on:** 12 Dec 2014, 02:43 pm »

That is a great one, one to tell my single friends (I'm single).

JerryM · « **Reply #1162 on:** 13 Dec 2014, 01:06 am »

A young reporter was sent to the nursing home to interview the aging world famous explorer.

"What was most harrowing experience you had in your days exploring the jungles of Africa?" asked the reporter.

"I'd have to say it was the safari of 1985." the explorer went on to explain "We were hunting Lion in this particularly dangerous part of the jungle, when all of a sudden the biggest, meanest Lion I had ever seen jumped out right in front of me and went ROOAAAARR!, I crapped my pants."

"That's understandable" said the reporter, "You must have been consumed by fear!"

"No, I mean I crapped my pants, just now, when I went "ROOAAARR!"

Bob in St. Louis · « **Reply #1163 on:** 13 Dec 2014, 01:51 am »

FireGuy · « **Reply #1164 on:** 13 Dec 2014, 08:04 pm »

I.Greyhound Fan · « **Reply #1165 on:** 17 Dec 2014, 05:34 am »

What happened to the picture of Men's Fascination with Motor Cycles? I was going to send it to some one. It looks like it has been deleted.

Bob in St. Louis · « **Reply #1166 on:** 17 Dec 2014, 09:08 pm »

1. We all love to spend money buying new clothes but we never realize that the best moments in life are enjoyed without clothes.

2. Having a cold drink on hot day with a few friends is nice, but having a hot friend on a cold night after a few drinks - PRICELESS.

3. Breaking News: Condoms don't guarantee safe sex anymore. A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot dead by the woman's husband.

4. Arguing over a girl's bust size is like choosing between Molson, Heineken, Carlsberg, & Budweiser. Men may state their preferences, but will grab whatever is available.

5. I haven't verified this on Snopes, but it sounds legit....... A recent study found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.

paul79 · « **Reply #1167 on:** 18 Dec 2014, 12:02 am »

Quote from: Bob in St. Louis on 5 Dec 2014, 08:39 pm

A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.
He decides to test it out at dinner one night.

The father asks his son what he did that afternoon.
The son says, "I did some schoolwork."
The robot slaps the son.
The son says, "Ok, Ok. I was at a friend's house watching movies."
Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?"
Son says, "Toy Story."
The robot slaps the son.
Son says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching porn."
Dad says, "What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was."
The robot slaps the father.
Mom laughs and says, "Well, he certainly is your son."
The robot slaps the mother.
Robot for sale.

That one made my day.... Too funny

Bob in St. Louis · « **Reply #1168 on:** 18 Dec 2014, 12:55 am »

Good to hear I could bring a smile to your face Paul.

thunderbrick · « **Reply #1169 on:** 18 Dec 2014, 01:00 am »

Quote from: Bob in St. Louis on 18 Dec 2014, 12:55 am

Good to hear I could bring a smile to your face Paul.

What'd you do, Bob, post your photo?

Bob in St. Louis · « **Reply #1170 on:** 18 Dec 2014, 01:11 am »

No...it's one of a friend of mine wearing a chicken suit.

jhm731 · « **Reply #1171 on:** 18 Dec 2014, 04:00 am »

John decided to go skiing with his buddy, Keith.

After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

'I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.'

'Don't worry,' John said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.' The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.

Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

But about nine months later, John got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Keith and asked, 'Keith, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?'

'Yes, I do.' Said Keith.

'Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?'

'Well, um, yes!,' Keith said, a little embarrassed about being found out, 'I have to admit that I did.'

'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?'

Keith's face turned beet red and he said, 'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did.' 'Why do you ask?'

'She just died and left me everything.'

(And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you?... you know you smiled...now keep that smile for the rest of the day!)

Happy Holidays.

Bob in St. Louis · « **Reply #1172 on:** 20 Dec 2014, 04:31 pm »

Donald Duck and Daisy Duck were spending the night together in a hotel room and Donald wanted to have sex with Daisy.

The first thing Daisy asked was, "Do you have a condom?"

Donald frowned and said, "No."

Daisy told Donald that if he didn't get a condom, they could not have sex.

"Maybe they sell them at the front desk," she suggested.

So Donald went down to the lobby and asked the hotel clerk if they had condoms.

"Yes, we do," the clerk said and pulled a box out from under the counter and gave it to Donald.

The clerk asked, "Would you like me to put them on your bill?"

"Thit No!" Donald quacked, "I'd thuffocate!"

ted_b · « **Reply #1173 on:** 20 Dec 2014, 04:43 pm »

When Donald got back to the room he was shocked at what he saw!! He had thought she said she felt a little crazy...now he realized she wasn't crazy; what she really said was she was f*cking Goofy!!

Kenneth Patchen · « **Reply #1174 on:** 20 Dec 2014, 06:12 pm »

I'm sorry to be the one to have to tell you this Ted, this being the Christmas season and all, but you're going to hell for that.

Bob in St. Louis · « **Reply #1175 on:** 21 Dec 2014, 03:31 pm »

A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot.

The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, however, your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."

The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You have $9000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis. They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly $1000 an inch."
... The man perks up.

"So," the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you want. But I understand that you have been married for over thirty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out. If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed. It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision."
The man agrees to talk it over with his wife.

The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?"
"Yes I have," says the man.

"And has she helped you make a decision?"
"Yes" says the man.

"What is your decision?" asks the doctor.

"We're getting granite counter tops."

gregcss · « **Reply #1176 on:** 21 Dec 2014, 05:37 pm »

Quote from: Bob in St. Louis on 21 Dec 2014, 03:31 pm

A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot.

That was so 6 months ago

http://www.audiocircle.com/index.php?topic=126713.msg1337698#msg1337698

Bob in St. Louis · « **Reply #1177 on:** 21 Dec 2014, 05:41 pm »

I'm lazy, my memory is poor, but I have a good sense of humor......what else can I say?

decal · « **Reply #1178 on:** 22 Dec 2014, 01:08 pm »

SENIORS & COMPUTERS

As we older folks know, sometimes we have trouble with our computers.

Yesterday, I had a problem, so I called George, the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control, and asked him to come over.

George clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.

As he was walking away, I called after him 'So,what was wrong?

He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An, ID ten T error? What's that?

'George grinned...'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?

'No,' I replied.

'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'

So I wrote down:

ID10T

brooklyn · « **Reply #1179 on:** 28 Dec 2014, 06:57 pm »

This morning at 3:00 am, I was awakened by a loud pounding on the door. I got up up and went to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push. "Not a chance," I said to the man "it is 3:00 in the morning!" I slamed the door and returns to bed. "Who was that?" Peggy asked... "Just some drunk guy asking for a push," I answered.
Did you help him?" she asks "No, I did not, it's 3am in the morning and it's pouring down rain out there!"...

I told her. "Well, you have a short memory," Peggy said. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? "I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself! "God loves drunk people too you know." So being the good guy I am, I do as I'm is told, I get dressed, and go out into the pounding rain. I call out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes," comes back the answer. "Do you still need a push?" I ask the stranger. "Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark. "Where are you?" I ask. "Over here... on the swing," replied the drunk.