Long overdue Ryan update

Vapor Audio · « **on:** 21 Sep 2016, 07:11 pm »

First of I want to apologize to all of you. I hear every day from people who worry about how I’m doing because I haven’t made any effort to let everyone know. It has been literally 5 times a day, every day for months, that I’ve thought to myself “I need to post something”. But instead of doing what I should, I’ve made excuses why not.

So yesterday was 4 months, in my mind it’s felt a lot closer to 4 years. Mostly that’s because my brain just won’t stop churning. For the first 2 months it was maddening, here in this house by myself, or in the shop by myself, left alone with nothing but a mind that won’t stop. That was a time dominated by an overwhelming feeling of doom, my direction was gone and that I was doomed to one day die alone. For that first two months I recited these Nine Inch Nails lyrics to myelf in a non-stop loop

I’m becoming less defined
As days go by
Fading away, well you might say
I’m losing focus
Kinda drifting into the abstract
In terms of how I see myself

That sums it up almost perfectly …

When Heather was alive, and even now that she’s gone, I’ve defined myself as much by who she makes me into as who I naturally am. Losing her isn’t just a loss of my best friend and partner in everything our life was, but also losing a huge part of myself … and all the parts of myself I loved the most. The truth is my grief was for myself, and fear of what I might turn into.

But it was that realization that has slowly pulled me out of it. I know the grief isn’t for her, and all the ways she made me a better person are still there, they just faded and I had to figure out how to get them back. In addition to the hundreds of hours I put into working through things internally, I have to also give lots of credit to great family and friends. Bob being right up the street, always available was a blessing. Ed coming down to spend time on my birthday was wonderful, Mike from Verastarr having me in his home give me a reprieve, then Rob and Fred from Lampizator hosting me in NY was one of the sweetest things anyone has ever done for me in my life. All you guys are lifelong friends, and I owe you more than you’ll ever realize!

So where am I now, and where are things with Vapor? First off, I’m not taking any new build orders. We do have some inventory available, and happy to move that stuff. But my only focus is get existing orders off the books, customers happy, and then hopefully have enough of a financial cushion that I can take a bit of time to pass out on a far away beach somewhere. But getting existing orders off the books is proving to be a challenge. Left alone without distraction, I could probably have it all shipped in 6 weeks. But the distractions eat into my productivity every single day. When you’re married, you set your life up to be managed by two people. Heather worked at a desk, so (for example) if there’s a surprise $20 fee on some bill, she would call and get it straightened out. For me to do that, and there’s a laundry list of those types of things every day, I have to stop what I’m doing over and over.

So I’m not going to make any promises to anyone about when things will be shipped. I tended to overpromise before, and I’m still the same person now. If I do make a promise, it’s just going to end in disappointment because I never see these distractions coming. Take this, last week I promised one would ship, of course it didn’t … because Tuesday night I noticed a flea on one of my cats. Inspected them both, and sure enough both were crawling with em. I start frantically vacuuming everywhere, and find a nest of them in the carpet in my main listening room! So then I have to pull everything out of that room and bug bomb it. Living with fleas in the house isn’t an option, so it turns into 5 full days of vacuuming, bathing the cats, washing bedding, inspecting mattresses, etc. Before, Heather could have managed a big part of that load and I could have continued working, now there’s no option other than stop working and keep the house functioning.

I do believe Vapor will continue for years. We’re working on a few things that can keep the name alive and provide some consistent revenue streams without me personally having to do it all myself. And the perfectionist custom hand builds, they’ll also continue. But I can say for sure, they’re going to go WAY up in price, representative of the man hours and component quality that goes into them. I’m done working myself to the point where I have one of the worst cases of hemorrhoids my Doctor has ever seen, and then having nothing to show for it at the end of the day. I’m going to remove as many sources of stress from my life as I possibly can, and hopefully still have the pleasure of creating perfection from scratch.

Even writing this was a 2 hour distraction. That’s been my excuse not to do it all this time. I hope it helps those who have been wondering/worrying though know where I am, and where I’m going. I’ll be ok. I have great people around me, and I’m a stubborn SOB. So even though it sucks at times, I’ll get through.

thunderbrick · « **Reply #1 on:** 21 Sep 2016, 07:14 pm »

zybar · « **Reply #2 on:** 21 Sep 2016, 07:57 pm »

Ryan,

Great heartfelt note.

I wish you the best of luck in both your personal and business endeavors.

George

Folsom · « **Reply #3 on:** 21 Sep 2016, 08:28 pm »

Good for you Ryan. Glad to hear you're piecing yourself back together. Don't worry about being alone, I'm sure there's plenty of women that'll be swooning for you when you're ready.

Also it's very good to hear you're looking at revision of Vapor. You've been needing efficiency and more employees for awhile, but that only comes with $. Clearly you can begin to differentiate some on projects and maybe make the selection more refined to fit flow. I always figured the plywood stuff would cost a lot more, and be more likely for dealerships (perhaps), where as Ed's fine work can be much faster, somewhat affordable, and maybe direct sale.

Anyways, best wishes for you and your daughter.

mresseguie · « **Reply #4 on:** 21 Sep 2016, 09:46 pm »

Ryan,

I am relieved to see you on the mend. It does take some time. Breathing deeply helps a lot, but too few people try it. Thank you for sharing your thoughts.

paul79 · « **Reply #5 on:** 21 Sep 2016, 09:56 pm »

Good on you Ryan. Glad things are looking up! Your goal of less stress is the best possible goal you can have for your situation. Stay on the path my man.

richidoo · « **Reply #6 on:** 21 Sep 2016, 11:47 pm »

It's great to see you feeling strong enough to stick your head up for a peek, if only for a moment. Hang in there, we're all thinking of you. Thanks for the update.
Rich

SlushPuppy · « **Reply #7 on:** 22 Sep 2016, 12:38 am »

Writing that you intend to continue Vapor Audio as a business says a lot. A couple of years ago my marriage of 23 years ended and I lost my mother to cancer a few months later. It was brutal. Now I'm the happiest I've ever been. We all can recover as long as we don't give up. Glad to see you haven't

Gopher · « **Reply #8 on:** 22 Sep 2016, 12:51 am »

Glad to see you posting, brother.

You're welcome in my home anytime. For almost a week after you left my daughter would ask "where did your friend go?"

Berto · « **Reply #9 on:** 22 Sep 2016, 02:54 am »

Great post Ryan,

Was great having you over for the long weekend. Really enjoyed hanging out. Great memories with great friends is really what it's all about. Make it a annual event for sure

JerryM · « **Reply #10 on:** 22 Sep 2016, 03:31 am »

I know that when you say "far away beach", it's improbable that you mean Southern California.

However, one of the nicest beaches in the world is 12 miles from my home. You're welcome here any time, Ryan.

I have good thoughts for you every day. It's nice to see you back.

tabrink · « **Reply #11 on:** 22 Sep 2016, 04:41 am »

Quick note and I get it Ryan.
Tomorrow is the 6 month anniversary of when I died in a motorcycle crash. But I lived. Spending months in a hospital and time went so slow. But now trying to get back to normality the 6 months has passed so quickly that I never knew it and folks think I disappeared but I was just healing and getting better. So when tragedy occurs time goes both slow and fast depending upon your location in the scenario.
Just motor on and be better every day. No hurry as your perception of time is tied to your healing. And healing is only achieved when you forget about anyones else's perception of acceptable time.
Your life your time. And celebrate the times you had and celebrate your new life post tragedy.
On your own timetable. All the best.

fex02 · « **Reply #12 on:** 22 Sep 2016, 10:59 am »

Ryan- nice to hear from you.Haven't sent allot of emails ,as i know you are in pain.
Your bedroom is open,grouper will start biting in about 6 weeks, and the beach is being cleaned after the hurricane winds!

dex67 · « **Reply #13 on:** 22 Sep 2016, 02:50 pm »

welcome back Ryan! hopefully you'll get to manage all the other distractions while creating marvelous speakers!

SoCalWJS · « **Reply #14 on:** 22 Sep 2016, 03:12 pm »

Good to hear from you Ryan. Thank you for taking the time to give us an update with all of the different directions I am sure you are being pulled in.

My thoughts and prayers continue towards you in this difficult time. It's so nice to have Family and Friends that you can get support and comfort from and I hope that you are in fact able to visit you "far away beach" and spend some time there.

Best wishes Ryan.

bummrush · « **Reply #15 on:** 22 Sep 2016, 04:19 pm »

F--- i wishedi lived close. Even with my health problems id do the damn dishes and pick up.

pconley2 · « **Reply #16 on:** 22 Sep 2016, 05:34 pm »

Ryan, as we have often discussed, if your beach needs bring you to the left coast, you have a place to stay and you can listen to some of your children, who left home two years ago and would like to see their father.

Phil (and Andi)

woodsyi · « **Reply #17 on:** 22 Sep 2016, 06:31 pm »

Ryan,

Best wishes as you navigate your future. God bless.

MDolphin · « **Reply #18 on:** 22 Sep 2016, 08:21 pm »

RYAN, good to hear that you are recovering well. What an ordeal 2016 has been!

Looking forward to your and Pete's final design of the ultimate Home Theater LRC setup, Perfect Storm White monitors with the accompanying "shock and awe" center.........

audioengr · « **Reply #19 on:** 28 Sep 2016, 02:31 am »

Ryan - In order to make the work less stressful and less daunting, I recommend that you only focus on one project at a time that you are sure you can make progress on, and set goals that are small and attainable for each day. When I feel overloaded, I often use this tactic. Give yourself personal time everyday and try to do something active, even if it's just walking a mile. Having a dog helps because they will force you to get out and walk. Given time and making your days more predictable will get your life back. I have never had this kind of tragedy myself, but I understand that most learn to live again. Glad you are back.