[Bob in St. Louis]

Glad I could help. 

[decal]

WHAT CAUSES ARTHRITIS?




 

A drunk man who smelled of
beer sat down on a subway next to a priest.


The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered

with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his

newspaper and began reading.




 

After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say Father, what causes arthritis?"




 

The priest replies, "My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women,

too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man,

sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath."




 

The drunk muttered in response, "Well, I'll be damned”, Then returned to his paper.




 

The priest, thinking about what he had said,

nudged the man and apologized. "I'm
very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong.

How long have you had arthritis?"




 

The drunk answered, "I don't have it, Father.

I was just reading here that the
Pope does."

 

MORAL: Make sure you understand the question before offering the answer.

 

 


 

 

 

 


 

[mikeeastman]

One day, a priest decides to take a walk to the pier near his church. He looks around and finally stops to watch a fisherman load his boat. The fisherman notices, and asks the priest if he would like to join him for a couple of hours. The priest agrees. The fisherman asks if the priest has ever fished before; the priest says no. He baits the hook for him and says, "Give it a shot, father."
After a few minutes, the priest hooks a big fish and struggles to get it in the boat. The fisherman says, "Whoa, what a big sonofabitch!"
The priest says, "Ah, please sir, can you mind your language?"
The fisherman responds (thinking quickly), "I'm sorry father, but that's what this fish is called---a sonofabitch!"
"Oh, I'm sorry," says the priest. "I didn't know."
After the trip, the priest brings the fish to the church and spots the bishop. "Eminence, look at this big sonofabitch!"
"Please father," says the bishop. "Mind your language, this is a house of God."
"No, you don't understand," says the priest. "That's what this fish is called, and I caught it. I caught this sonofabitch!"
"Hmmm," says the bishop. "You know, I could clean this sonofabitch and we could have it for dinner."
So the bishop takes the fish and cleans it, and brings it to Mother Superior at the convent.
"Mother Superior, could you cook this sonofabitch for our dinner tonight with the Pope?"
"My lord, what language!" says the mother.
"No, sister," says the bishop. "That's what the fish is called---a sonofabitch! Father caught it, I cleaned it, and we'd like you to cook it"
"Hmmm," replies Mother Superior. "Yes, I'll cook that sonofabitch tonight."
While the Pope is over for dinner that evening he remarks that the fish is superb. He asks where they got it.
"I caught the sonofabitch!" says the priest.
"And I cleaned the sonofabitch!" says the bishop.
"And I cooked the sonofabitch!" says Mother Superior.
The Pope stares at them for a minute with a steely gaze, but then takes off his hat, puts his feet up on the table, and says, "You know, you f**kers are all right.".

[thunderbrick]

 

[Bob in St. Louis]

New Wine Before BED

A single glass at night could mean a peaceful, uninterrupted night sleep.

NEW Wine for Seniors

 

California vintners in the Napa Valley area, which primarily produce Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir, and Pinot Grigio wines,   
have developed a new hybrid grape that acts as an anti-diuretic.
It is expected to reduce the number of trips older people have to make to the bathroom during the night.

The new wine will be marketed as                 

 
PINO MORE

 

[Bob in St. Louis]

Two little boys are going to the hospital the next day for operations. Theirs will be first on the schedule. The older boy leans over and asks, "What are you having done?" The second boy says, "I'm getting my tonsils out, and I'm afraid. "The first boy says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up, they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze. "The second boy then asks, "What are you going in for?" The first boy says, "Circumcision."
"Whoa!" the smaller boy replies. "Good luck, buddy. I had that done when I was born. Couldn't walk for a year."

[loving_it]

[jjdog2]

Two bunnies meet in a bar after Easter.

[decal]

Restroom signage seen at hotel.

[JerryM]

Try this.  I failed.


SELF EXAMINATION FOR ALZHEIMER'S DISEASE

....It takes less than 15 seconds......

If you are over 45 yrs. old, you SHOULD take this Alzheimer's Test.

How fast can you guess these words and fill-in the blanks?


1. _  _NDOM


2. F_  _K

3.  P_N_S


4.  PU_S_


5.  S_X


6.  BOO_S




Answers:

   1.  RANDOM

   2.  FORK

  3.  PANTS

  4.  PULSE

  5.  SIX

  6.  BOOKS

You got all 6 wrong....didn't you?

While you failed, you do NOT have Alzheimer's. 

[jhm731]

[Bob in St. Louis]

I was in a Ft. Pierre, SD Tavern last night, sitting at the bar waiting for a beer, when a butt-ugly, big old heifer came up behind me, and slapped me on the ass.

She said, "Hey sexy, how about giving me your number!

I looked at her and said, "Have you got a pen?"
She said, "I sure do."

I said, "Well, you better get back into it before the farmer notices you’re missing."

My dental surgery is on Monday.

[decal]

^^^^^^ ^^^^^^

[Bob in St. Louis]

An older gentleman had an appointment to see the urologist who shared offices with several other doctors.
The waiting room was filled with patients.
As he approached the receptionist's desk, he noticed that the receptionist was a large  unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler. He gave her his name.
In a very loud voice, the receptionist said, "YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE; YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"

All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at the very embarrassed man. He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied, 'NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS.'


The room erupted in applause

[rodge827]

[Bob in St. Louis]

If you buy stuff on Ebay, check out the seller carefully..

A friend of mine has just spent $95.00, plus postage, on a penis enlarger.

Bastards sent him a magnifying glass.

The only instructions said, "Do not use in sunlight.."

[JoshK]

If you buy stuff on Ebay, check out the seller carefully..

A friend of mine has just spent $95.00, plus postage, on a penis enlarger.

Bastards sent him a magnifying glass.

The only instructions said, "Do not use in sunlight.."

Good one!  Einstein's law of relativity in action.

[Bob in St. Louis]

I  bought a new perfume for  my wife called Chloroform, but she says she doesn't like it.
She says that it makes her sleepy and her ass sore.

========================

I went to the doctor's office the other day and found out that my new doctor is young, female and drop dead gorgeous.
I was embarrassed, but she said, "Don't  worry, I'm a professional, I've seen it all before. Just tell me what's wrong and I'll check it out.
I said, "My wife thinks that my penis tastes funny."

[smargo]

A man came home from work one day to find his wife sitting on the front porch with her bags packed. He asked her where she was going and she replied "I'm going to Las Vegas."

He questioned her as to why she was going and she told him "I just found out that I can make $400.00 a night doing what I give you for free". He pondered that - then went into the house and packed his bags and returned to the porch and with his wife. She said "And just where do you think you're going?"

"I'm going too!" he replied.

"Why?" She asked.

"I want to see how you are going to live on $800.00 a year"!

[jhm731]

Some guy bought a new fridge for his house.

To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a
sign on it saying: 'Free to good home. You want it, you take it.'

For three days the fridge sat there without anyone looking twice.
He eventually decided that people were too mistrustful of this deal.
So he changed the sign to read: 'Fridge for sale $50.'

The next day someone stole it!