Joke of the Day

LesterSleepsIn · « **Reply #2220 on:** 7 Oct 2017, 08:33 pm »

Thanks! That bit about his father and the strip clubs is pretty funny. Still, an odd thank you speech.

jhm731 · « **Reply #2221 on:** 7 Oct 2017, 10:32 pm »

Bob in St. Louis · « **Reply #2222 on:** 7 Oct 2017, 10:39 pm »

JerryM · « **Reply #2223 on:** 8 Oct 2017, 08:24 pm »

I was out with the new girlfriend when this huge rat jumps out of nowhere, right in her face.

To impress her, I beat that fucker to a pulp.

Now I'm not only single, but I'm completely banned from Disneyland.

thunderbrick · « **Reply #2224 on:** 12 Oct 2017, 02:02 pm »

An elderly couple arrives at the doctor’s office for their yearly physicals.
One at a time, the doctor brings them into the examining room, starting with the husband.
“Well, Mr. Smith, you’re in great shape for a man your age,” says the doctor.
To which the man replies, “Well, Doc, I don’t smoke, I don’t drink and the good Lord looks out for me.”
“What do you mean?” asks the doctor.
The old man replies, “Well, for instance, last night I got up from bed to use the bathroom, and it was the good Lord who turned on the light for me so I wouldn’t fall down.”
“That’s nice,” says the doctor, somewhat confused. “Would you please send your wife in now?”
The wife comes in and the doctor says, “Mrs. Smith, you’re in great shape for a woman your age.”
To which she responds, “Well I ought to be. I don’t smoke, I don’t drink. . . .”
The doctor interjects, “And the good Lord looks after you, right? Your husband just said the same thing.”
“What are you talking about?” asks the bewildered woman.
“Your husband was just telling me that very same thing. He said the good Lord looks out for him. For example, last night when he got out of bed to use the bathroom, the good Lord turned on the light for him.”
“Damn it!” she yells. “I knew he was pissing in the fucking fridge again.”

jhm731 · « **Reply #2225 on:** 12 Oct 2017, 07:02 pm »

mikeeastman · « **Reply #2226 on:** 14 Oct 2017, 10:43 pm »

" Donald Trump and his chauffeur are driving on a country road.

Suddenly, a pig runs in front of the car. The chauffeur has no time to react, so he runs over the animal, killing it instantly. They get out of the vehicle, look around and spot a small farm in the distance.

Trump says:
The pig probably came from there. You should at least tell them that you killed the pig...

So the chauffeur does as he's told. Few hours later, he comes out of the farmhouse, covered in lipstick kiss marks, and a champagne in each hand. Trump asks:

Jesus! What did you tell them?

Just as you said boss!

Hi I'm Donald Trump's chauffeur, and I've just killed the pig! "

jhm731 · « **Reply #2227 on:** 14 Oct 2017, 11:25 pm »

I'd liked this version better:

Hillary Clinton and her driver were cruising along a country road in New York State one evening when an old cow loomed in front of the car. The driver tried to avoid it but couldn't - the aged bovine was struck and killed.

Hillary told her driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened. She stayed in the car making phone calls to lobbyists.

About an hour later the driver staggered back to the car with his clothes in disarray. He was holding a half-empty bottle of expensive wine in one hand, a rare, huge Cuban cigar in the other, and was smiling happily, smeared with lipstick.

"What happened to you?", asked Hillary?

"Well," the driver replied, "The farmer gave me the cigar, his wife gave me the wine, and their beautiful twin daughters made mad passionate love to me."

"My God, what did you tell them?" asked Hillary.

The driver replied :"I just stepped inside the door and said, I'm Hillary Clinton's chauffeur and I've just killed the old cow. The rest happened like lightning!"

WGH · « **Reply #2228 on:** 14 Oct 2017, 11:29 pm »

Why do I have to press one for English when I just get transferred to someone I can't understand anyway?

decal · « **Reply #2229 on:** 15 Oct 2017, 07:30 am »

Quote from: WGH on 14 Oct 2017, 11:29 pm

Why do I have to press one for English when I just get transferred to someone I can't understand anyway?

Don't get me started !!!!!!!

decal · « **Reply #2230 on:** 15 Oct 2017, 07:31 am »

double post

Don_S · « **Reply #2231 on:** 15 Oct 2017, 03:00 pm »

Quote from: WGH on 14 Oct 2017, 11:29 pm

Why do I have to press one for English when I just get transferred to someone I can't understand anyway?

That's because you have reached American Telephone & Telegraph.

Remember Lily Tomlin? "We don't care. We don't have to."

LesterSleepsIn · « **Reply #2232 on:** 15 Oct 2017, 09:44 pm »

You sold our cow for magical bean bag chairs??

jhm731 · « **Reply #2233 on:** 16 Oct 2017, 12:02 am »

thunderbrick · « **Reply #2234 on:** 16 Oct 2017, 04:18 pm »

decal · « **Reply #2235 on:** 16 Oct 2017, 08:03 pm »

decal · « **Reply #2236 on:** 16 Oct 2017, 08:04 pm »

ted_b · « **Reply #2237 on:** 16 Oct 2017, 08:26 pm »

Quote from: LesterSleepsIn on 15 Oct 2017, 09:44 pm

You sold our cow for magical bean bag chairs??

I'm dense I guess.

aldcoll · « **Reply #2238 on:** 16 Oct 2017, 10:40 pm »

Quote from: ted_b on 16 Oct 2017, 08:26 pm

I'm dense I guess.

There was this guy named Jack. Some say he had a big bean stalk, some say he had a big bean bag chair

JakeJ · « **Reply #2239 on:** 17 Oct 2017, 01:33 am »

There was this guy named Jack. Some say he had a big bean stalk. Curiously they were all girls!