Dear fellow debauchers,
I very much enjoyed the video Scott Faller posted for us of that fellow having concourse (sic) with a speaker, and in fact I was surprised that more people did not respond to it, add to it, or at least prostrate themselves in humble (if not penitential) confession.
I have advanced to other audiophiles, on several occasions, that it might behoove us to form an Audiophiles Anonymous group for the sake of dealing with our addiction. But I have never been able to muster considerable enthusiasm about this because I am sure we would just contaminate one another all the more--showing each other pictures of our systems, trying to do trades on the side, whetting our cravings onward to previously unattained heights--or depths. Thus we would merely make the problem worse. To wit: "Hell--I mean, hello--my name is Scott, and I've been a hopeless audiophile for over a quarter of a century. I am hoping for help with this problem, plus I'm looking to trade my existing speaker cables up to something better, so talk to me after this meeting if you're interested in exploring a deal. And Bob, don't forget you still owe me for those interconnects, because I need the money for a new cartridge to compare it to the six I already have. But like I was saying, I really want to do something about this addiction because I can't afford it, it's wrecking my marriage, and no matter what I get I soon find myself wanting something better."
From an opening statement like this, I'm sure the exchange would only descend into utter chaos and spiritual squalor.
The truth is, we are all pursuing that holy grail called perfect sound. The problem is, that holy grail of perfect sound may actually be quite unholy and too often it isn't sound, and isn't even music; it becomes a kind of noise because it is polluted by our aural concupiscence.
There also is the problem that most of us don't really want to be cured of our affliction. We acknowledge that it is a problem, but really, we don't want to be rid of it. The result is that the problem only gets worse. Ours is an obsessive fixation that is so pathetic as to be perverse. And it is so perverse as to be pathological. Audiophilia is an acute, chronic, and terminal malady with dimensions so colossal as to warrant its being called nothing less than a true mental illness. And this illness, for most of us, only gets worse.
So ... if indeed the problem only gets worse, and if indeed we do not wish to be rid of it or cure it, then I propose that the least we could do is better define it. We can do this by better defining what an audiophile is. This could be done by following the outline of what already is an existing template--so to speak--in our popular media. Many of you are familiar with the comedian named Jeff Foxworthy, and his many variations on the theme of, "You might be a redneck if ... ." Well, we could essentially follow this formula, although I suggest we discard the conditional tense of "might" and show the courage to be more forthright in vouchsafing our curse. ("Me? Someone who might--might!--be an audiophile? I know, indubitably and devoutly, that I am an audiophile!") So our formula should be, "You know you are an audiophile when ... ."
A long time ago I started compiling a list of these, and by now have probably over a hundred such statements. But I would be interested in how other of our folks would complete the introduction I have proposed. I.e., what would other audiophiles' variations be? So, to get this exercise going, I here list a dozen of my own completions for the prefix: "You know you are an audiophile when ... ."
Thus and herewith:
"YOU KNOW YOU ARE AN AUDIOPHILE WHEN ...
1. ... you sometimes fantasize about audio gear right in the midst of sex and you don't think there is anything wrong with this."
2. ... there was at least one occasion when you tried to conceal the purchase of an audio component from your wife."
3. ... you have friends whose names you can't even recall, but you can remember every component in their stereo system."
4. ... while listening to your stereo with others, the word 'sound' gets used more often than the word 'music.'"
5. ... the phrase 'tight bottom end' doesn't evoke carnal thoughts."
6. ... there has been at least one night when you scarcely slept because you were obsessing about something that had to do with your audio system."
7. ... you generally won't admit it to others, but most of the time you would rather listen to music than have sex."
8. ... nothing strikes terror in your heart like hearing the words, 'We can't find anything wrong with your unit. Tests show that everything is in spec.'"
9. ... at least half the time your whole system, or part of it, is down."
10. ... even though this drives you berserk, you know it is the norm."
11. ... there were times you actually were glad when a tube, or an entire component, failed because this meant you had an excuse to buy that other one you had been lusting for."
12. ... you buy a new high-end power cord and your wife says, 'You mean you would pay THAT much money for an EXTENSION CORD?!"
Well, gentlemen, you get the idea. And note that I say, "gentlemen." I don't address "ladies" because I have known only three women in my life who were true audiophiles. One of my best female friends, who lives in Cleveland, is an audiophile. Her long-time boyfriend, whom she lives with, doesn't care one bit about music or sound. I once met a female audiophile in Italy. And I knew one here in Saint Louis about 25 years ago, before I even lived here, but she got so tired of dealing with break-downs that she sold her system and bought a Radio Shack system--and it still works fine, never having given her very good sound, but never having given her one second's worth of trouble.
So bare your sullied souls, gentlemen, and confess to one and all. If indeed we are a sorry lot--pathetic, perverse, mentally deranged--the least we can do is grovel in our shame together. Please, indulge me, becalm your fellow audiophiles, and cathart your hubris by adding to my list.
So on this ominous and portentious day, May 18, 2015, borrowing an expression from where I grew up in Northwest Missouri, I sign myself:
Lower than a snake's belly in a wagon rut,
Francis Baumli
