[2bigears]

    haha ,,,, good one ,,,,    sex x-overs ????   more than a little mind boggling done in old age  ....

[Guy 13]

Rahul Gandhi called up Domino's and shouted at the branch manager:
You idiot, I just received delivery of pizza from your boy and there's nothing on it!!
No cheese, no toppings, nothing - it's just a circle of plain bread! What the hell is wrong with you guys?
I am gonna close you guys down permanently and get you personally arrested!!!
10 mins later Soniaji calls back to Dominos and apologises to the manager:
Sorry, he opened the box upside down!!!

[mightym]

This is probably a retread, but I like it, and here it is!



A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, I would like to buy some cyanide.

 

The pharmacist asked, 'Why in the world do you need cyanide?'

The lady replied, 'I need it to poison my husband.'

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, 'Lord have mercy!

I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law!

I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of

bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!'

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, 'You didn't tell me you had a prescription.'

[mightym]

While I'm at it, I don't think this one is a retread.....

 A US Air Force C-130 was scheduled to leave Thule Air Base, Greenland, at midnight during a winter month.  During the pilot's pre-flight check, he discovers that the latrine holding tank is still full from the last flight.

So a message is sent to the base and an airman who was off duty is called out to take care of it.  The young man finally gets to the air base and makes his way to the aircraft only to find that the latrine pump-truck has been left outdoors and is frozen solid, so he must find another one in the hangar; which takes even more time.

He returns to the aircraft and is less than enthusiastic about what he has to do. Nevertheless, he goes about the pumping job deliberately and carefully (and slowly) so as not to risk criticism later.

 

As he's leaving the plane, the pilot stops him and says, "Son, your attitude and performance has caused this flight to be late and I'm going to personally see to it that you are not just reprimanded but punished."

 

Shivering in the cold, his task finished, the young airman takes a deep breath, stands tall and says: "Sir, with all due respect, I'm not your son; I'm an Airman in the United States Air Force. I've been in Thule, Greenland, for 11 months without any leave, and reindeer's asses are beginning to look pretty good to me.

I have one stripe; it's 2:30 in the morning; the temperature is 40 degrees below zero, and my job here is to pump shit out of an aircraft. Now, just exactly what form of punishment did you have in mind for me?"

 

[Bob in St. Louis]

Oh that's fantastic! 

[ArthurDent]

 

[mikeeastman]

 

[Guy 13]

An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce beautiful children beyond compare. With that as his mission he began searching for the perfect woman.

 Shortly thereafter he met a farmer who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away. So he explained his mission to the farmer, asking for permission to marry one of them.

 The farmer simply replied, "They're lookin' to get married, so you came to the right place. Look 'em over and pick the one you want."

 The man dated the first daughter. The next day the farmer asked for the man's opinion.

 "Well," said the man, "she's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice... pigeon-toed."

 The farmer nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls;so the man went out with the second daughter. The next day, the farmer again asked how things went.

 "Well," the man replied, "she's just a weeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell... cross-eyed."

 The farmer nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did.

 The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming, "She's perfect, just perfect. She's the one I want to marry."

 So they were wed right away.

 Months later the baby was born. When the man visited the nursery he was horrified: the baby was the ugliest, most pathetic human "thing" you can imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law asking how such a thing could happen considering the beauty of the parents.

 "Well," explained the farmer, "She was just a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell... pregnant when you met her."

[Guy 13]

In a small town, a man just opened a small store selling trumpets and guns.

One day his neighbor pays him a visit and says, "So how is your strange business going?"

"What do you mean strange?"

"Because you sell only trumpets and guns!"

"So?"

"Well, let me put it this way, what do you sell the most, trumpets or guns?"

"It evens itself out. Each time a customer buys a trumpet, one of his neighbors buys a gun."

[Bob in St. Louis]

I'm convinced this is one of you guys..... Just need to figure out who it is.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tMnmfYrJyHM

[Guy 13]

The FEMALE always makes THE RULES.
 THE RULES are subject to change without prior notice.
 No MALE can possibly know all THE RULES.

 If the FEMALE suspects the MALE to know all THE RULES,
 She must immediately change some or all THE RULES.

 The Female is never wrong. If the female is wrong, it is due to a misunderstanding which was a direct result of something the male did or said.
 The male must apologise immediately for causing said misunderstanding.

 The MALE must never change his mind without the express written consent of the FEMALE.

 The FEMALE has every right to be angry or upset at any time.
 The MALE must remain calm at all times, Unless the FEMALE wants him to be angry and/or upset.

 The MALE is expected to mind read at all times.

 The MALE who does not abide by THE RULES can not take the heat, lacks backbone, is a wimp.

 Any attempt to document the RULES could result in bodily harm.

 If the FEMALE has P.M.S., all THE RULES may be null and void.

 The FEMALE is ready when she is ready, The MALE must be ready at all times.

[mightym]

Don't remember seeing this one here, so here goes:


Jennifer a manager at WalMart had the task of hiring someone to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes she found four people who were equally qualified. Jennifer decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.
 
The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, Jennifer asked, 'What is the fastest thing you know of?'
 
The first man replied, 'A THOUGHT.' It just pops into your head. There's no warning.
 
'That's very good!' replied Jennifer. 'And, now you sir?', she asked the second man.

'Hmmm...let me see 'A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of.'
         
'Excellent!' said Jennifer. 'The blink of an eye, that's a very popular cliche for speed.' She then turned to the third man, who was contemplating his reply.
         
'Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant. 'Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of'.
Jennifer was very impressed with the third answer and thought she had found her man. 'It 's hard to beat the speed of light,' she said.
 
Turning to BUBBA, the fourth and final man, Jennifer posed the same question.
         

Old Bubba replied, 'After hearing the previous three answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA.'
         
'WHAT!?' said Jennifer, stunned by the response.
         
'Oh sure', said BUBBA. 'You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom, but before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already shit my pants.'
         
BUBBA is now the new greeter at a WalMart near you!
         
        You probably will think of this every time you enter a WalMart from now on!

[thunderbrick]

I'm convinced this is one of you guys..... Just need to figure out who it is.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tMnmfYrJyHM

+1!   Good one, Bro!   

[Saturn94]

I'm convinced this is one of you guys..... Just need to figure out who it is.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tMnmfYrJyHM

LMAO!!

[Guy 13]

Three mischievous old Grannies were sitting on a bench outside a nursing home. When an old Grandpa walked by.

 And one of the old Grandmas yelled out saying, "We bet we can tell exactly how old you are."

 The old man said, "There is no way you can guess it, you old fools."

 One of the old Grandmas said, "Sure we can! Just drop your pants and under shorts and we can tell your exact age..."

 Embarrassed just a little, but anxious to prove they couldn't do it, he dropped his drawers. The Grandmas asked him to first turn around a couple of times and to jump up and down several times.

 Then they all piped up and said, "You're 87 years old!"

 Standing with his pants down around his ankles, the old gent asked, "How in the world did you guess?"

 Slapping their knees and grinning from ear to ear, the three old ladies happily yelled in unison..."We were at your birthday party yesterday!"

[Guy 13]

Golfer: Think I'm going to drown myself in the lake.
 Caddy: Think you can keep your head down that long?

 Golfer: I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course.
 Caddy: Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth.

 Golfer: Do you think my game is improving?
 Caddy: Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now.

 Golfer: Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?
 Caddy: Eventually.

 Golfer: You've got to be the worst caddy in the world.
 Caddy: I don't think so sir. That would be too much of a coincidence.

 Golfer: Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's too much of A distraction.
 Caddy: It's not a watch : it's a compass.

 Golfer: How do you like my game?
 Caddy: Very good sir, but personally, I prefer golf.

 Golfer: Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?
 Caddy: The way you play, sir, it's a sin on any day.

 Golfer: This is the worst course I've ever played on.
 Caddy: This isn't the golf course. We left that an hour ago.

 Best Caddy Comment
 Golfer: That can't be my ball, it's too old.
 Caddy: It's been a long time since we teed off, sir.

[Guy 13]

I went into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church. Inside I found a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap.

 On one wall, there's a row of decanters with fine Irish whiskey and Waterford crystal glasses. On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.

 Then the priest comes in. I say to him, "Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be."
 He replies, "Get out, you moron, you're on my side."

Funny

[JerryM]

A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs.

The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion.

After 18 years, the son is now old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy.

With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol.

Swoooosh! Plop!! A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent; then bursts into whoops of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink!"

The bartender continues to shake his head in dismay. Swoooosh! Plip! Plop!! Two arms pop out.

The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again.

The patrons chant, "Take another drink! Take another drink!!"

The bartender ignores the whole affair and goes back to polishing glasses, shaking his head, clearly unimpressed by the amazing scenes.

By now the boy is getting tipsy, but with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Plop! Plip!! Two legs pop out. The bar is in chaos.

The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left then staggers to the right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly.

The bar falls silent.

The father moans in grief. The bartender sighs and says,

He Should have quit while he was a head!

[JakeJ]

 
That joke comes with helping of

My has always been the stalwart of corny humor in my family so I grew up with these kinds of jokes.

[Guy 13]

Dating Ads for Seniors


You can say what you want about Florida, but you never hear of anyone retiring and moving north. These are actual ads seen in 'The Villages'' Florida newspaper. Who says seniors don't have a sense of humour?

 Foxy Lady
 Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty, 80's, slim, 5'4' (used to be 5'6').
 Searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion. Matching white shoes and belt a plus.

 Ling Term Commitment
 Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband. Looking for someone to round out a six-unit plot. Dizziness, fainting, shortness of breath not a problem.

 Senenity Now
 I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga and meditation. If you are the silent type, let's get together, take our hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times.

 Winning Smile
 Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated flosser to share rare steaks, corn on the cob and caramel candy.
 Beatles or Stones?
 I still like to rock, still like to cruise in my Camaro on Saturday nights and still like to play the guitar.
 If you were a groovy chick, or are now a groovy hen,let's get together and listen to my eight-track tapes.

 Memories
 I can usually remember Monday through Thursday.
 If you can remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let's put our two heads together.

 Mint Cindition
 Male, 1932 model, high mileage, good condition, some hair, many new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves. Isn't in running condition, but walks well.

 Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many.