Joke of the Day

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic. Read 331426 times.

lonewolfny42

  • Full Member
  • Posts: 16919
  • Speakers....What Speakers ?
Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #20 on: 30 Oct 2009, 05:11 am »
One day an Irishman, who has been stranded on a desert island for over ten long years, sees an unusual speck on the horizon.

"It's certainly not a ship," he thinks to himself. As the speck gets closer and closer, he begins to rule out the possibilities of a small boat, then even a raft.

Suddenly, emerging from the surf comes a drop dead gorgeous blonde woman wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.

She approaches the stunned man and says to him, "Tell me how long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"

"Ten years," replies the Irishman.

With that, she reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, "Faith and begorah! Is that good!"

"And how long has it been since you've had a sip of good Irish Whiskey?" she asks him.

Trembling, the castaway replies, "Ten years."

She reaches over, unzips her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and hands it to him. He opens the flask, takes a long swig and says, "Tis absolutely fantastic!"

At this point she starts slowly unzipping the long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit, looks at the man and asks, "And how long has it been since you've played around?"

With tears in his eyes, the man falls to his knees and sobs, "Oh, Sweet Jesus! Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there too."

........ :lol:

rajacat

  • Full Member
  • Posts: 3129
  • Washington State
Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #21 on: 30 Oct 2009, 05:25 am »
 :rotflmao:

jhm731

Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #22 on: 30 Oct 2009, 06:24 am »
Since we're posting old jokes, here's one I posted for Halloween last year:

Bed Sheets
 
An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of
which had left his bodily systems extremely upset.  Upon making several false
alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and
stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and
was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational.
 
In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed
sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.
 
A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started
yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown
things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet. 
As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet,
staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard, (barely containing his
laughter), and who had watched the whole incident, walked up and asked, "What
the heck is going on here?"
 
The drunk, still staring down at the bed sheets in amazement, replied:
 
"I think I just beat the sh*t out of a ghost."

BobM

Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #23 on: 30 Oct 2009, 12:47 pm »
EVER SINCE I WAS A CHILD, I'VE ALWAYS HAD A FEAR OF SOMEONE hiding under my bed!
         ?  SO I WENT TO A SHRINK  AND TOLD HIM
'I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody
Under it.  I'm scared.  I think I'm going crazy.'

'Just put yourself in my hands for one year,' said the shrink.     'Come
Talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of
Those fears..'
'How much do you charge?' 'Eighty dollars per visit,' replied the
Doctor.   'I'll sleep on it,' I said.

Six months later the doctor met me on the street. 'Why didn't you
Come to see me about those fears you were having?' he asked.

'Well, Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful
Lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have
Saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup!'

'Is that so!' With a bit of an attitude the Dr. Said, 'and how, may I ask,
Did a bartender cure you?'

'He told me to cut the legs off the bed! - Ain't nobody under there now!!?

SCREW THOSE SHRINKS.. GO HAVE A DRINK & TALK TO YOUR BARTENDER!

thunderbrick

  • Volunteer
  • Posts: 5158
  • I'm just not right!
Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #24 on: 30 Oct 2009, 01:14 pm »
 
Good Grandpa!

 A woman in a grocery store happens upon a grandfather and his poorly
behaved 3 year-old grandson.

It's obvious to her that Gramps has his hands full with the child
screaming for candy in the candy aisle, cookies in the cookie aisle;
same for fruit, cereal and soda
in their respective aisles. Meanwhile, Gramps is working his way
around, saying in a controlled voice, "Easy, Albert, we won't be long
-- easy, boy."

Another outburst, and she hears Gramps calmly say, "Its okay, Albert,
just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there,
boy."

At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart,
and Gramps again in a controlled voice is says, "Albert, Albert, relax
buddy, don't get upset. We'll
be home in five minutes; stay cool, Albert."

Very impressed, the woman goes outside where Gramps is loading his
groceries and the boy into the car. "You know, sir, it's none of my
business, but you were
amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time, you
kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you
just calmly kept saying things would be okay. Albert is very lucky to
have you as his grandpa.

"Thanks, lady," said Gramps, "But, I'm Albert -- the little bastard's
name is Steve." I'm going to beat the shit out of him when I get him
home*
 
~ Intellectual growth should commence at birth and cease only at death ~
-Albert Einstein

BobM

Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #25 on: 30 Oct 2009, 01:19 pm »
With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it
is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which
almost went unnoticed last week.

Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote 'The Hokie Pokey' died peacefully at
the age of 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him
into the coffin. They put his left leg in. And then the trouble started!
.
.
.
.
Shut up. You know it's funny.

rydenfan

Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #26 on: 30 Oct 2009, 02:01 pm »
A guy from New Orleans dies and is sent to Hell. He had been a horrible man his entire life.The devil puts him to work breaking up rocks with a sledge hammer. To make it worse, he cranks up the temperature and the humidity.
 
After a couple of days, the devil checks in on his victim to see if he is suffering adequately. The devil is aghast as the guy from New Orleans is happily swinging his hammer and whistling a happy tune. The devil walks up to him and says, "I don't understand this. I've turned the heat way up, it's humid, you're crushing rocks; why are you so happy?"
The guy from New Orleans with a big smile, looks at the devil and replies, "This is great! It reminds me of August in New Orleans. Hot, humid, a good place to work. It reminds me of home. This is fantastic!"
 
The devil, extremely perplexed, walks away to ponder the remarks of the guy from New Orleans. Then he decides to drop the temperature, send down a driving rain and torrential wind. Soon, Hell is a wet, muddy mess. Walking in mud up to his knees with dust blowing into his eyes, the guy from New Orleans is happily slogging through the mud pushing a wheelbarrow full of crushed rocks. Again, the devil asks how he can be happy in such conditions.The guy from New Orleans replies, "This is great! Just like April in New Orleans . It reminds me of working out in the yard with spring planting!"
 
The devil is now completely baffled but more determined to make the guy from New Orleans suffer. He makes the temperature plummet. Suddenly Hell is blanketed in snow and ice. Confident that this will surely make the guy from New Orleans unhappy, the devil checks in on him. He is again aghast at what he sees. The guy from New Orleans is dancing, singing, and twirling his sledgehammer as he cavorts in glee.
 
"How can you be so happy? Don't you know its 40 below zero!?" screams the devil.  Jumping up and down, the guy from New Orleans throws a snowball at the devil and yells, "Hell's frozen over! This means the Saints won the Super Bowl.

funkmonkey

Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #27 on: 30 Oct 2009, 05:56 pm »
A guy walks into a bar, sits down and orders a beer.  As he's looking around the bar, he sees a strange looking fellow at the other end of the bar.  This other guy has a skull about the size of an orange.

Curiosity gets the best of him, so he walks up to him and, as politely as he can, asks the other guy what happened.

In response, the small craniumed man tells his story...

     You're not going to believe this, but last week I was stranded on an island in the middle of the Pacific.  I had survived a plane crash and was washed up on the shore of that island.  Over the years I explored the entire thing and it was uninhabited, barely anything to eat either.  I lived on the coconuts and bananas that I was able to find for 10 years, occasionally catching a crab or two that wandered too far up the shore. 
     Well last week as I was looking for my food for the day, I noticed a glint of glass on the shore.  As I got closer, I noticed that it was a fancy old bottle, so I picked it up.  When I popped the cork out, a beautiful genie rose from it's depths saying that I was her master, and that she would grant me three wishes to fill my hearts desire!  Now, since I hadn't had a decent meal in the 10 years I had been stranded on the island, I used my first wish for a nice juicy steak and some wine to wash it down.  * POOF * Right there on the beach a nice table and chair with my steak dinner and a bottle of wine.  I couldn't help myself and sat down right away and ate the best meal I have ever had.  Feeling pretty good, with a full belly and a bit of a buzz from the wine I looked over at the genie in her sheer and silky flowing little outfit.  Her tight, flat belly showing, with beautiful curves where they should be...  man she looked good.  I caught myself thinking about what she would be like, but then realized that this was my only chance to get off of the island, so I used my second wish to get back to civilization, in style.  * POOF *  We were back here in my hometown, in the bedroom of the mansion that I had always wished I could afford.  Exactly where I wished I would be!  I looked over at the genie and she fluttered her eyelashes, with a sweet little smile on her face asked what else I would like.  I smiled back raised an eyebrow and said "How about a little head?" * POOF *"   :wink:

BobM

Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #28 on: 2 Nov 2009, 02:04 pm »
A husband and wife are shopping in the grocery store, and the husband picks up a case of Budweiser and put's it in their shopping cart.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.
'They're on sale, only $10 for 18 cans,' he replies.
'Put them back, we can't afford them,' demands the wife and so they carry on shopping.

A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the shopping cart.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.
'Its my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.

Her husband retorts: 'So does 18 cans of Budweiser and its half the price'.

BobM

Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #29 on: 3 Nov 2009, 07:47 pm »
Confucius Say:
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Virginity like bubble
one prick, all gone.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who run in front of car
get tired.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who run behind car
get exhausted.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man with hand in pocket
feel cocky all day.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Foolish man give wife grand piano
wise man give wife upright organ.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man with one chopstick
go hungry.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who scratch ass
should not bite fingernails.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who eat many prunes
get good run for money.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Baseball is wrong
man with four balls cannot walk.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
War does not determine who is right,
war determine who is left.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Wife who put husband in doghouse
soon find him in cathouse.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fight with wife all day
get no piece at night.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
It take many nails to build crib
but one screw to fill it.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who drive like hell
bound to get there.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who stand on toilet
is high on pot.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who live in glass house
should change clothes in basement.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fish in other man's well
often catch crabs.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fart in church
sit in own pew.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Crowded elevator smell different
to midget.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Woman who fly upside down
have crack up.

BobM

Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #30 on: 4 Nov 2009, 01:42 pm »
A man bought a new Mercedes to celebrate his wife leaving him and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive.

The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.

"There's no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100.....Then the reality of the situation hit him. "What am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.

The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car.

"It's been a long hard day, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, I don't need the frustration or the overtime, so if you can give me a really good excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."

The guy thinks about it for a second and says, "Last week my nagging wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"

"Have a nice weekend," said the officer.

Goosepond

  • Full Member
  • Posts: 842
  • Hedy!
Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #31 on: 4 Nov 2009, 02:28 pm »
Only a long suffering Saints fan FROM N.O. knows how completely true this "joke" really is!  :green: :green: :green:

Go Saints!

A guy from New Orleans dies and is sent to Hell. He had been a horrible man his entire life.The devil puts him to work breaking up rocks with a sledge hammer. To make it worse, he cranks up the temperature and the humidity.
 
After a couple of days, the devil checks in on his victim to see if he is suffering adequately. The devil is aghast as the guy from New Orleans is happily swinging his hammer and whistling a happy tune. The devil walks up to him and says, "I don't understand this. I've turned the heat way up, it's humid, you're crushing rocks; why are you so happy?"
The guy from New Orleans with a big smile, looks at the devil and replies, "This is great! It reminds me of August in New Orleans. Hot, humid, a good place to work. It reminds me of home. This is fantastic!"
 
The devil, extremely perplexed, walks away to ponder the remarks of the guy from New Orleans. Then he decides to drop the temperature, send down a driving rain and torrential wind. Soon, Hell is a wet, muddy mess. Walking in mud up to his knees with dust blowing into his eyes, the guy from New Orleans is happily slogging through the mud pushing a wheelbarrow full of crushed rocks. Again, the devil asks how he can be happy in such conditions.The guy from New Orleans replies, "This is great! Just like April in New Orleans . It reminds me of working out in the yard with spring planting!"
 
The devil is now completely baffled but more determined to make the guy from New Orleans suffer. He makes the temperature plummet. Suddenly Hell is blanketed in snow and ice. Confident that this will surely make the guy from New Orleans unhappy, the devil checks in on him. He is again aghast at what he sees. The guy from New Orleans is dancing, singing, and twirling his sledgehammer as he cavorts in glee.
 
"How can you be so happy? Don't you know its 40 below zero!?" screams the devil.  Jumping up and down, the guy from New Orleans throws a snowball at the devil and yells, "Hell's frozen over! This means the Saints won the Super Bowl.

Goosepond

  • Full Member
  • Posts: 842
  • Hedy!
Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #32 on: 4 Nov 2009, 02:31 pm »
Question: How are air and sex alike?

Answer: Neither one is a big deal unless you're not gettin' any.

macrojack

  • Full Member
  • Posts: 3668
Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #33 on: 4 Nov 2009, 03:59 pm »
Why I fired my Secretary...........


Yesterday was my birthday
And I didn't feel very well
Waking up on that morning.


I went downstairs for breakfast
Hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, 'Happy Birthday!', And possibly have a small present for me.


As it turned out,
She barely said good morning,
Let alone
'Happy Birthday.'


I thought....


Well, that's marriage for you,
But the kids...
They will remember.


My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast And didn't say a word.
So when I left for the office,
I felt pretty low
And somewhat despondent.


As I walked into my office,
My secretary Jane said,
'Good Morning Boss,
And by the way
Happy Birthday! '
It felt a little better
That at least someone had remembered.


I worked until one o'clock ,
When Jane knocked on my door
And said, 'You know,
It's such a beautiful day outside,
And it is your Birthday,
S0 What do you say we go out to lunch,
Just you and me.'
I said, 'Thanks, Jane,
that's the greatest thing
I've heard all day.
Let's go!'
We went to lunch.
But we didn't go
Where we normally would go.
She chose instead at a quiet bistro
With a private table.
We had two martinis each
And I enjoyed the meal tremendously...


On the way back to the office,
Jane said, 'You know,
It's such a beautiful day....
We don't need to go straight back to the office, Do we ?'


I responded,
'I guess not.
What do you have in mind?'
She said,
'Let's drop by my apartment,
it's just around the corner.'

0K


After arriving at her apartment,
Jane turned to me and said,
' Boss, if you don't mind,
I'm going to step into the bedroom
For just a moment.
I'll be right back.'
'Ok.' I nervously replied.


She went into the bedroom and,
After a couple of minutes,
She came out
Carrying a huge birthday cake ........
Followed
By my wife,
My kids,
And dozens of my friends
And co-workers,
All singing 'Happy Birthday'.




And I just sat there...




On the couch...


Naked.



ebag4

Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #34 on: 4 Nov 2009, 04:21 pm »
Why I fired my Secretary...........


Yesterday was my birthday
And I didn't feel very well
Waking up on that morning.


I went downstairs for breakfast
Hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, 'Happy Birthday!', And possibly have a small present for me.


As it turned out,
She barely said good morning,
Let alone
'Happy Birthday.'


I thought....


Well, that's marriage for you,
But the kids...
They will remember.


My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast And didn't say a word.
So when I left for the office,
I felt pretty low
And somewhat despondent.


As I walked into my office,
My secretary Jane said,
'Good Morning Boss,
And by the way
Happy Birthday! '
It felt a little better
That at least someone had remembered.


I worked until one o'clock ,
When Jane knocked on my door
And said, 'You know,
It's such a beautiful day outside,
And it is your Birthday,
S0 What do you say we go out to lunch,
Just you and me.'
I said, 'Thanks, Jane,
that's the greatest thing
I've heard all day.
Let's go!'
We went to lunch.
But we didn't go
Where we normally would go.
She chose instead at a quiet bistro
With a private table.
We had two martinis each
And I enjoyed the meal tremendously...


On the way back to the office,
Jane said, 'You know,
It's such a beautiful day....
We don't need to go straight back to the office, Do we ?'


I responded,
'I guess not.
What do you have in mind?'
She said,
'Let's drop by my apartment,
it's just around the corner.'

0K


After arriving at her apartment,
Jane turned to me and said,
' Boss, if you don't mind,
I'm going to step into the bedroom
For just a moment.
I'll be right back.'
'Ok.' I nervously replied.


She went into the bedroom and,
After a couple of minutes,
She came out
Carrying a huge birthday cake ........
Followed
By my wife,
My kids,
And dozens of my friends
And co-workers,
All singing 'Happy Birthday'.




And I just sat there...




On the couch...


Naked.

HILARIOUS!!!  :rotflmao:

Thanks Macrojack, I needed a good laugh!

funkmonkey

Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #35 on: 4 Nov 2009, 05:39 pm »
Smart Blonde Joke

A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?" The blond replies......................"Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"

turkey

  • Full Member
  • Posts: 1889
Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #36 on: 4 Nov 2009, 06:36 pm »
Confucius Say:
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*


Woman who slides down banister make monkeyshine.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Woman who springs on inner springs this Spring have offspring next Spring.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Child conceived in back seat of car with automatic transmission grow up to be shiftless.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*


There's another one I heard, but it doesn't work as well written down.



Confucius Say:
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Woman who cooks carrots and peas in same pot very unsanitary.


turkey

  • Full Member
  • Posts: 1889
Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #37 on: 4 Nov 2009, 06:57 pm »
I saw this one on another board and thought it was funny:



Bill Gates died and, much to everyone's surprise, went to Heaven. When he got there, he had to wait in the reception area.

Heaven's reception area was the size of Massachusetts. There were literally millions of people milling about, living in tents with nothing to do all day. Food and water were being distributed from the backs of trucks, while staffers with clipboards slowly worked their way through the crowd. Booze and drugs were being passed around. Fights were commonplace. Sanitation conditions were appalling. All in all, the scene looked like Woodstock gone metastatic.

Bill lived in a tent for three weeks until, finally, one of the staffers approached him. The staffer was a young man in his late teens, face scarred with acne. He was wearing a blue T-shirt with the words TEAM PETER emblazoned on it in large yellow lettering.

"Hello," said the staffer in a bored voice that could have been the voice of any clerk in any overgrown bureaucracy. "My name is Gabriel and I'll be your induction coordinator." Bill started to ask a question, but Gabriel interrupted him. "No, I'm not the Archangel Gabriel. I'm just a guy from Philadelphia named Gabriel who died in a car wreck at the age of 17. Now give me your name, last name first, unless you were Chinese in which case it's first name first."

"Gates, Bill." Gabriel started searching though the sheaf of papers on his clipboard, looking for Bill's Record of Earthly Works. "What's going on here?" asked Bill. "Why are all these people here? Where's Saint Peter? Where are the Pearly Gates?"

Gabriel ignored the questions until he located Bill's records. Then Gabriel looked up in surprise. "It says here that you were the president of a large software company. Is that right?"

"Yes."

"Well then, do the math chip-head! When this Saint Peter business started, it was an easy gig. Only a hundred or so people died every day, and Peter could handle it all by himself, no problem. But now there are over five billion people on earth. Jesus, when God said to 'go forth and multiply,' he didn't say 'like rabbits!' With that large a population, ten thousand people die every hour. Over a quarter-million people a day. Do you think Peter can meet them all personally?"

"I guess not."

"You guess right. So Peter had to franchise the operation. Now, Peter is the CEO of Team Peter Enterprises, Inc. He just sits in the corporate headquarters and sets policy. Franchisees like me handle the actual inductions." Gabriel looked though his paperwork some more, and then continued. "Your paperwork seems to be in order. And with a background like yours, you'll be getting a plum job assignment."

"Job assignment?"

"Of course. Did you expect to spend the rest of eternity sitting on your ass and drinking ambrosia? Heaven is a big operation. You have to pull your weight around here!" Gabriel took out a triplicate form, had Bill sign at the bottom, and then tore out the middle copy and handed it to Bill. "Take this down to induction center #23 and meet up with your occupational orientator. His name is Abraham." Bill started to ask a question, but Gabriel interrupted him. "No, he's not that Abraham."

Bill walked down a muddy trail for ten miles until he came to induction center #23. He met with Abraham after a mere six-hour wait.

"Heaven is centuries behind in building its data processing infrastructure," explained Abraham. "As you've seen, we're still doing everything on paper. It takes us a week just to process new entries."

"I had to wait three weeks," said Bill. Abraham stared at Bill angrily, and Bill realized that he'd made a mistake. Even in Heaven, it's best not to contradict a bureaucrat. "Well," Bill offered, "maybe that Bosnia thing has you guys backed up."

Abraham's look of anger faded to mere annoyance. "Your job will be to supervise Heaven's new data processing center. We're building the largest computing facility in creation. Half a million computers connected by a multi-segment fiber optic network, all running into a back-end server network with a thousand CPUs on a gigabit channel. Fully fault tolerant. Fully distributed processing. The works."

Bill could barely contain his excitement. "Wow! What a great job! This is really Heaven!"

"We're just finishing construction, and we'll be starting operations soon. Would you like to go see the center now?"

"You bet!"

Abraham and Bill caught the shuttle bus and went to Heaven's new data processing center. It was a truly huge facility, a hundred times bigger than the Astrodome. Workmen were crawling all over the place, getting the miles of fiber optic cables properly installed. But the center was dominated by the computers. Half a million computers, arranged neatly row-by-row, half a million ....

.... Macintoshes ....

.... all running Apple software! Not a PC in sight! Not a single byte of Microsoft code!

The thought of spending the rest of eternity using products that he had spent his whole life working to destroy was too much for Bill. "What about PCs???" he exclaimed. "What about Windows??? What about Excel??? What about Word???"

"You're forgetting something," said Abraham.

"What's that?" asked Bill plaintively.

"This is Heaven," explained Abraham. "We need a computer system that's heavenly to use. If you want to build a data processing center based on PCs running Windows, then ....

.... GO TO HELL!"

thunderbrick

  • Volunteer
  • Posts: 5158
  • I'm just not right!
Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #38 on: 4 Nov 2009, 07:20 pm »
TRAFFIC CAMERA

A man was driving when he saw the flash of a traffic camera. He figured   
that his picture had been taken for exceeding the limit, even though he   
knew that he was not speeding... Just to be sure, he went around  the     
block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the   
camera flashed.  Now he began to think that this was quite funny, so he   
drove even slower as he passed the area again, but the traffic camera     
again flashed.  He tried a fourth time with the same result. He did this a
fifth time and was now laughing when the camera flashed as he rolled past,
this time at a snail's pace... 
                                         
Two weeks later, he got 5 tickets in the mail for driving without a seatbelt.                                                         
Goes to show, you can't fix stupid.

BobM

Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #39 on: 5 Nov 2009, 02:13 pm »
Three dogs, a Doberman, a Boxer, and a Labrador are sitting in the waiting room at the vet's office when they strike up a conversation. The Doberman turns to the Boxer and says, "So why are you here?"

The Boxer replies, "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything - the sofa, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night, when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed."

The Doberman says, "So what is the vet going to do?"

"Lethal injection," came the reply from the sad Boxer.

The Doberman then turns to the Labrador and asks, "Why are you here?"

The Lab says, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and?trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets.But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owner's couch."

"So what are they going to do to you?" the Doberman inquired.

"Lethal injection," the dejected Labrador said.

The Labrador then turns to the Doberman and asks what he's at the vet's office for.

"I'm a humper," the Doberman says. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, firehydrants, whatever. I want to hump everything I see. Yesterday, my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and started humping away."

The Boxer and Labrador exchange a sad glance and say, "So, lethal injection for you too, huh?"

The Doberman says, "No, I'm here to get my nails clipped!."