Joke of the Day

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chadh

Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #100 on: 5 Mar 2010, 09:33 pm »

That one reminds me of a story about one of my old university professors...

T. was renowned as a prolific drinker, and was to be found in the pub for quite some time most nights after work.  What's more, he usually chose to drive himself home.

One night, he climbed into his car, backed out of his parking space, and drove off into the night.  Knowing the importance of avoiding any police scrutiny, T. was very watchful, peering down any side streets for any sign of the constabulary. 

Once he hit a main road, T. relaxed a little.  It was at this time that he glanced into his rearview mirror and saw a little VW beetle driving right up close behind him.

"F&#$ing beetle," he muttered, and accelerated away from the VW.

A few minutes later, T looked in his mirror again, and again he saw the VW beetle closing in on his rear bumper.  Cursing a little louder this time, T. again accelerated away, leaving the little VW in his dust.

A minute or so later, T almost lost all control when he looked in the mirror and saw the VW tailgating again.  Well, this time T was determined to put a stop to it altogether.  He slammed on his breaks and came to a dead stop in the middle of the road.  He threw open his door, sprang from the car, and marched back to find that the beetle had also skidded to a halt behind him.  Screaming a vile stream of abuse, T. opened the driver's door on the VW, ready to punch the driver's lights out.  But he stopped mid-profanity and stared into the car in disbelief.

There was no driver in the beetle!

"How can this be?", wondered our inebriated protagonist.  It was then that he examined the beetle a little more carefully.  Imagine T.'s surprise when he discovered that the little car's front bumper was hooked into his own rear bumper.  It seemed that he had backed into the beetle as he was leaving his parking space at the pub, and had been dragging it behind him ever since.

Well, in his drunken state, T. freaked out, immediately fleeing the scene on foot and leaving the cars abandoned in the middle of the street.

Early the next morning, T. was awoken by knocking at his front door.  It was the police.  The officer explained that T.'s car had been found abandoned in the middle of a road.  If T. would like to accompany him, he would be able to reclaim his car.

So T. sat in the car with police officer, wondering when the officer was going to confront him about the curious beetle that was attached to his rear bumper.  But it seemed the officer was playing it very cool.

Eventually they arrived at the scene and found T.'s car.  But T. was seriously confused.  There was no sign of the beetle and the police office made no reference to another car at all.

To this day, T. wonders whether the beetle had ever existed anywhere other than his drunken imagination.

Chad

Len_Dreyer

Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #101 on: 7 Mar 2010, 01:15 am »
Two women were sitting next to each other at a bar. After a while one looks at the other and says, 'I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland.'

The other woman responds proudly, 'Yes, I sure am!'

The first one says, 'So am I! And where about in Ireland are ya from ?'

The other woman answers, 'I'm from St. John's, I am.'

The first one responds, 'So, am I!!  And what street did you live on?'

The other woman says, 'A lovely little area, it was in the west end. I lived on Warbury Street in the old central part of town.'

The first one says, 'Faith and it's a small world. So did I!  So did I!  And what school did ya go to?'

The other woman answers, 'Well now, I went to Holy Heart of Mary, of course.'

The first one gets really excited and says, 'And so did I. Tell me,what year did you graduate?'

The other woman answers, 'Well, now, let's see. I graduated in 1979.'

The first woman exclaims, 'The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us ! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same pub tonight. Can you believe it, I graduated from Holy Heart of Mary in 1979 me self.'

About this time, Michael walks into the bar, sits down and orders a beer.

Brian, the bartender, walks over to Michael, shaking his head and mutters, 'It's going to be a long night tonight.'

Michael asks, ' Why do you say that, Brian?'

Brian answers, 'The Murphy twins are drunk again.'

Ruby Mae

Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #102 on: 8 Mar 2010, 12:54 am »
There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time they made love, the husband always insisted on shutting off the light. Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous.

She figures she would break him of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights. She looked down and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated leisure device... A vibrator! Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one. She went completely ballistic. 'You impotent bastard,' She screamed at him, 'How could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!'

The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly:
'I'll explain the toy... You explain the kids.' 


Len_Dreyer

Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #103 on: 8 Mar 2010, 04:08 pm »
The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over sixty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.'

Yes, she says, 'I remember it well.'

OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?'

She says, 'Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble.... So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence.

The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.

Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming.

Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them, 'Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?'

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, 'Sixty years ago that wasn't an electric fence.'

 

pecker

Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #104 on: 8 Mar 2010, 05:18 pm »
A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: ‘Talking Dog For Sale ‘ He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.
‘You talk?’ he asks.
‘Yep,’ the Lab replies.
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says ‘So, what’s your story?’
The Lab looks up and says, ‘Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.’
‘I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn’t getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.’ ‘I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I’m just retired.’
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
‘Ten dollars,’ the guy says.
‘Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?’
‘Because he’s a damn liar. He never did any of that stuff.’

Len_Dreyer

Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #105 on: 10 Mar 2010, 07:36 pm »
The Nun at Hooters

A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local Hooters.

The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while 'the lights would turn off.'

Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers.

However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent.

She walked up to the bartender, and asked, 'May I please use the restroom?

The bartender replied, 'OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf.'

'Well, in that case, I'll just look the other way,' said the nun.

So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant.

After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause.

She went to the bartender and said, 'Sir, I don't understand.  Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?'

'Well, now they know you're one of us,' said the bartender, 'Would you like a drink?'

'No thank you, but, I still don't understand,' said the puzzled nun.

'You see,' laughed the bartender, 'every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out. Now, how about that drink?'

eclein

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Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #106 on: 10 Mar 2010, 07:40 pm »
What a great thread!!!

acresm22

Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #107 on: 10 Mar 2010, 08:37 pm »
Why you should never question a drunk.

I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected a half-gallon of 2% milk, a carton of eggs, a quart of orange juice, a head of romaine lettuce, a 2 lb. can of coffee, and a 1 lb. package of bacon.

As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."

I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since I was indeed single. I looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about my selections that could have tipped off the drunk to my marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of me, I said: "Well, you know what, you're absolutely right. But how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."

Len_Dreyer

Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #108 on: 11 Mar 2010, 02:04 am »
Paddy was in New York

He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing.  The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, 'Okay, pedestrians.'  Then he'd allow the traffic to pass.

He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.

After the cop had shouted, 'Pedestrians!' for the tenth time.  Paddy went over to him and said, 'Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?'

Len_Dreyer

Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #109 on: 11 Mar 2010, 02:06 am »
Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died.  He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney.

'Did you see the paper?' asked Gallagher. 'They say I died!!'

'Yes, I saw it!' replied Finney.  'Where are ye callin' from?'

Len_Dreyer

Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #110 on: 11 Mar 2010, 02:07 am »
An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut.  The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

He says, 'Sir, have you been drinking?'

'Just water,' says the priest.

The trooper says, 'Then why do I smell wine?'

The priest looks at the bottle and says, 'Good Lord! He's done it again!'

Len_Dreyer

Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #111 on: 11 Mar 2010, 02:09 am »
Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, 'Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman.'

'Oh yeah?' said Charlie, 'And how did this one end?'

'When it was over,' Mike replied, 'She came to me on her hands and knees.'

'Really,' said Charles, 'Now that's a switch! What did she say?'

She said, 'Come out from under the bed, you little coward.'

Len_Dreyer

Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #112 on: 11 Mar 2010, 02:12 am »
Patton staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy.  He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Kathleen.

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step.  As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump.  A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Patton sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding.  He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.

He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.

In the morning, Patton woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Kathleen staring at him from across the room.

She said, 'You were drunk again last night weren't you?'

Patton said, 'Why you say such a mean thing?'

'Well,' Kathleen said, 'it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly ..... it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.

Len_Dreyer

Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #113 on: 16 Mar 2010, 12:47 am »
REDNECK LENT

Each Friday night after work, Bubba would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a venison steak.

But, all of Bubba's neighbors were Catholic.  And since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Friday.

The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest.

The Priest came to visit Bubba, and suggested that he become a Catholic.

After several classes and much study, Bubba attended Mass...and as the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said, "You were born a Baptist, and raised a Baptist, but now you are a Catholic".

Bubba's neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived, and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighborhood.

The Priest was called immediately by the neighbors, and, as he rushed into Bubba's yard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him, he stopped and watched in amazement.  There stood Bubba, clutching a small bottle of holy water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat and chanted: "You wuz born a deer, you wuz raised a deer, but now you is a catfish".

Len_Dreyer

Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #114 on: 17 Mar 2010, 12:24 am »
A newly married Irish couple, Colleen and Paddy, were having the inside of their house painted. One night Paddy came home from the pub and, feeling no pain, he stumbled up the steps and fell against the newly painted hallway. The next morning the painter showed up to finish the job and Colleen met him at the front door and said "come upstairs, I want to show you where my husband put his hands last night". The painter replied, "Thanks much, but I'm an old man and I'd just as soon have a cold bottle of beer."

Ruby Mae

Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #115 on: 17 Mar 2010, 06:21 pm »
John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual
gimmicks. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to  get him to change.                   

One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.

It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from school.. Tommy was over 2 hours late.
"Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?" asked John.

"Several of us went to the library to work on an  extra credit project," said Tommy. The robot walked around the table and slapped Tommy,
 knocking him completely out of his chair..

"Son," said John, "this robot is a lie  detector, now tell us where you really were after school."

"We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie." said Tommy.

"What did you watch?" asked Marsha.

"The Ten Commandments. " answered Tommy.

The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair. With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I
am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen.."

"I am ashamed of you son," said John.  "When I was your age, I never lied to my parents."

The robot walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair.

Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, "Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy.  After all, he is your son!" The robot walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.....

jaywills

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Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #116 on: 17 Mar 2010, 07:03 pm »
Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place.   Looking up to heaven he said, 'Lord take pity on me.   If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!'

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, 'Never mind, I found one.'

Len_Dreyer

Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #117 on: 18 Mar 2010, 04:59 pm »
At the National Art Gallery in Dublin, a husband and wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused. The painting depicted three black men totally naked, sitting on a park bench. Two of the figures had black willies, but the one in the middle had a pink willy.

The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his personal assessment. He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African Americans in a predominately white, patriarchal society.

'In fact', he pointed out, 'some serious critics believe that the pink willy also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by men in contemporary society'.

After the curator left, an Irishman approached the couple and said, 'Would you like to know what the painting is really about?'

'Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?' asked the couple.

'Because I'm the one, who painted the picture,' he replied. 'In fact, there are no African Americans depicted at all'.  'They're just three Irish coal miners! The guy in the middle went home for lunch!'

Ruby Mae

Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #118 on: 19 Mar 2010, 08:13 pm »
Five surgeons from big cities are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon, from New York, says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second, from Chicago, responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."

The third surgeon, from Dallas, says, "No, I really think librarians are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon, from Los Angeles chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers... Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over."

But the fifth surgeon, from Washington , DC... shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong, Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine, and the head and the butt are interchangeable."

Len_Dreyer

Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #119 on: 22 Mar 2010, 04:14 pm »
Morris returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him that he has only 24 hours to live.

Given the prognosis, Morris asks his wife for sex.

Naturally, she agrees, so they make love.

About 6 hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, 'Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?'

Of course, the wife agrees, and they do it again.

Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes that he now has
only 8 hours left. He touches his wife's shoulder and asks, 'Honey, please... just one more time before I die.'

She says, 'Of course, Dear,' and they make love for the third time.

After this session, the wife rolls over and falls to sleep.

Morris, however, worried about his impending death, tosses and turns, until he's down to 4 more hours. He taps his wife, who rouses, 'Honey, I have only 4 more hours. Do you think we could...'

At this point the wife sits up and says, 'Listen Morris, enough is enough I have to get up in the morning... you don't.'