Joke of the Day

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BobM

Joke of the Day
« on: 25 Oct 2009, 03:31 am »
This is an absolutely essentail part of Pub ritual - The Joke of the Day. This thred needs to be populated by every inerbriate on this forum with every derogatory and inflammitory and disgusting and dispariging tale of mayhem and humor.

So I will kink it off with the following joke. Please post urine (YOUR OWN) and make it funnier than this one, please.

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night."
She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."
"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."
She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised meself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

Pez

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Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #1 on: 25 Oct 2009, 03:41 am »
Tyson and I heard that very same joke at a scotch tasting just a few months back. Good stuff. :)

doug s.

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Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #2 on: 25 Oct 2009, 05:21 am »
oldie but goodie:

AN ITALIAN BOY'S CONFESSION


'Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
I have been with a loose girl'.

The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano ?'

'Yes, Father, it is.'

'And who was the girl you were with?'

'I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation'.

"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later
so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?'

'I cannot say.'

'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'

'I'll never tell.'

'Was it Nina Capelli?'

'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'

'Was it Cathy Piriano?'

'My lips are sealed.'

'Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?'

'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'

The priest sighs in frustration.
'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that.
But you've sinned and have to atone.
You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months.
Now you go and behave yourself.'

Joey walks back to his pew,
and his friend Franco slides over and whispers,
'What'd you get?'

'Four months vacation and five good leads.'

---doug s.

lonewolfny42

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Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #3 on: 25 Oct 2009, 05:32 am »
Top ten signs that you are too drunk...


10. You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the Earth. :lol:

9. Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you.

8. The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat. :duh:

7. Your idea of cutting back is less salt.

6. You can focus better with one eye closed.

5. You fall off the floor.

5. The whole bar greets you when you come in.

4. You haven't had a driver's license in such a long time that you have forgotten what one looks like.

3. Roseanne looks good. :o

2. You don't recognize your wife/husband unless seen through bottom of glass.

1. You spent more time on the floor than you do standing up.

................. :beer:  :jester:

JimJ

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Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #4 on: 25 Oct 2009, 05:39 am »
Quote
You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the Earth.

This was scary experiencing it for the first time :D

doug s.

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Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #5 on: 25 Oct 2009, 05:40 am »
this is a french commercial that is wery funny...   8)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kOyVJtiSYRo

doug s.

gitarretyp

Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #6 on: 25 Oct 2009, 06:03 am »
Speaking of being too drunk (high?): http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tzY5i4A1zgA

ted_b

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Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #7 on: 25 Oct 2009, 07:22 am »
A man with Alzheimers walks into a bar, sits down next to a pretty woman and says "Do I come here often"?

funkmonkey

Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #8 on: 26 Oct 2009, 07:41 am »
An American, an Englishman, and an Irishman are sittin' next to each other in a pub.
There is a fly buzzing around the American's beer that eventually lands on his glass.
The American sees the fly, gets a disgusted look on his face and asks the bartender for another beer.
The bar-keep obliges as the Brit has a bit of a chuckle to himself. 
But, he stops his laughter when the fly lands in his own glass. 
The Englishman looks at the American and winks, as he waves the fly away and then finishes the pint.
The fly then finds its way over to the Irishman's fresh pint, and lands on the rim. 
Before it can even flap a wing, the Irishman grabs the fly by the back of its head and shakes it over his glass saying "Spit it out, ya lil fooker!  Spit it out!"
« Last Edit: 27 Oct 2009, 04:00 am by funkmonkey »

thunderbrick

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Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #9 on: 27 Oct 2009, 03:14 am »
Quote
You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the Earth.

This was scary experiencing it for the first time :D

Yeah, I recall rocketing through space at warp speed in a porch chair, holding on for dear life.  Man, that was a HUGE bottle of cheap wine!    :o

BobM

Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #10 on: 27 Oct 2009, 12:56 pm »

Big Red Machine

Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #11 on: 27 Oct 2009, 01:38 pm »
Why couldn't the bicycle stand up any longer?



It was two(too) tired.

doug s.

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Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #12 on: 27 Oct 2009, 01:47 pm »
Why couldn't the bicycle stand up any longer?



It was two(too) tired.
wow!  along those lines:

when is a door not a door?  when it's ajar. 

doug s.

BobM

Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #13 on: 27 Oct 2009, 02:03 pm »
When is a joke not a joke?

When it's too(tired) ajar joke  :lol:

OK, now back to our regulary scheduled program

John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change.

One day, John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector. It was just about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 13 year old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late.

'Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?', they asked. 'Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project' said Tommy. The Robot then walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.

'Son, this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you went after school.' 'We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie.' 'What did you watch?' asked Marsha. ''The Ten Commandments.' answered Tommy. The Robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair.

With lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, 'I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen.'

'I'm ashamed of you Son,' said John. 'When I was your age, I never lied to my parents.' The robot then walked around to John and delivered a roundhouse right that nearly knocked him out of his chair.

Marsha was bent double laughing, almost in tears. 'Boy, did you ever ask for that one! And you can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, He is your son!' The Robot immediately walked around to Marsha and wacked her too.

macrojack

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Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #14 on: 27 Oct 2009, 07:47 pm »
Costume Party -- HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!
A couple was invited to a swanky costume party..  The Mrs. got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone.
He being a devoted husband protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time being spoiled by not going.
So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened without pain and, as it was still early, decided to go the party..
Since her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.
She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice woman he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.
His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his   current partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new babe that had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished,naturally, since he was her husband.
Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed. 
So off they went to one of the cars and had a quickie. 
Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away, went home, put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.
She was sitting up reading when he came in, and she asked what kind of a time he had.  He said: "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."
- "Did you dance much ?"
- "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But you're not going to believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to...."

BobM

Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #15 on: 28 Oct 2009, 03:46 pm »
Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a
smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end,
puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Arlene: What in the hell is that?

Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Arlene: Where did you get it?

Jane: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local drugstore and
announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she
is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand
of condom she prefers.

'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'

The pharmacist fainted.

doug s.

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Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #16 on: 29 Oct 2009, 12:32 am »

JerryM

Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #17 on: 30 Oct 2009, 03:16 am »
Being Thursday night, I wish I had ten bucks worth of whatever Dustin Hoffman and his Host had here.

 :lol:

Have fun,
Jerry

honesthoff

Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #18 on: 30 Oct 2009, 03:46 am »
A man walks into his urologist's office.
"I've got good news, and I've got bad news for you.  Which would you like first?", says the doc.
"The good news", says the man.
"Your penis is soon going to grow to twice its ordinary length and girth", replies the doctor.
"That's fantastic, doc!  What's the bad news?", says the man.
"It's malignant".   :cry:

srb

Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #19 on: 30 Oct 2009, 03:50 am »
A man walks into his urologist's office.
"I've got good news, and I've got bad news for you.  Which would you like first?", says the doc.
"The good news", says the man.
"Your penis is soon going to grow to twice its ordinary length and girth", replies the doctor.
"That's fantastic, doc!  What's the bad news?", says the man.
"It's malignant".   :cry:

I thought jokes were supposed to make you smile and feel good.
 
Steve